| semuanya pasal sally |
[Oct. 21st, 2008-09:14 am] |
wake up early in the morning. i watch her sleeping.
nothing much to say. and i just won't wake her up. |
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| back to the simple me |
[Oct. 20th, 2008-05:11 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
oh crap..!!
my 'mattmohd.com' is currently not available. so i turn to this my old journal. what a mess.... |
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| giving up.... |
[Aug. 19th, 2008-12:58 am] |
it's really hard to believe when you are not ready for the answer....
i try to accept that. it's hurt so much. i just want to give up. i don't want to put any hope anymore. i just want to forget everything and start another way. but it's not that simple.
really, it's not simple... |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 17th, 2008-05:10 pm] |
does a stupid person is the one who love someone but never show it?
if it is...i am stupid person. afraid to lose is one of the reason why i keep that feeling deep in side. because i knew that it's only me. i afraid everything is a lie. and i clearly realize. it is a lie...
there is a feeling when you try to put everything in their place but the truth is, you are the one who not actually in your real place. can't imagine it?
sometimes, i got that feeling.
because i am stupid... |
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| when finally changes are there... |
[Aug. 16th, 2008-12:46 am] |
either its my mistake or its just a lesson....
day after day, life seem so boring. of course its just me that saying that words without mean it.
when i start to give up, there is a thing that came out. i try to figured it. i wonder if its just the same with all the past. or its actually a good sign. until now, i scared to think about it.
i made a decision to just sit and wait..... |
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| hibernation... |
[Jul. 28th, 2008-05:38 pm] |
thinking.....
decision...
final....empty...
i don't understand........ |
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| something to cry on... |
[Jun. 29th, 2008-12:49 pm] |
still insane....
recently, there's something that make me wanna cry all day long. something really stupid of course.
smile..i am just ordinary...
and that's why i called myself unnatural... |
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| stay still.... |
[May. 25th, 2008-12:15 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
time stronger than before..
i realise that nothing should be worry about if you know what is the most important thing in life.
but that is the problem when i keep doing the same mistake. how stupid i am.
things can happen just like that. i regret it most of the time.
stay still for who i am.. |
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| precious.. |
[Apr. 25th, 2008-03:09 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
life is full with unexpected things...
i've got a very precious gift. i will assume that as a birthday present. i won't tell what it is..
just i really appreciate it. at least i have a reason to be happy at my birthday.
hope everything is fine... |
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| it just a date... |
[Apr. 20th, 2008-02:04 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
What I want for my birthday?
Actually, I stop make a wish since my last birthday party. That was when I was twelve I guess. I expect nothing for my birthday. As I know it just a date. Nothing is more than that. But I lie if I say I don’t want get any wish from someone I loved.
Now I am 19 years old. As people said, everything is changing within time that passing. Now I am study in university. Never thought that time could be this fast. In my life, I met lots people even not that ‘lots’. I saw so many types of people. And gain some of experiences.
I can’t tell when and why
But here I sit in front of this notebook, thinking of something and write it on. There’s too much to say. Since I write this, I want to share some story of my life. It’s not that interesting. But at least I have something.
My live as a kid not that shines like others. I am just an ordinary boy. When I was a kid, I refuse to go to the kindergarten. So I just stay at home. Play around alone. Since my sisters went to school.
But then, a family move on to my town. Now I have friend. We were best friend. We do everything together. We get almost the same toys. And then we go to school together till he moves back to his town when we were at standard 5. So, I back to my life. Have no friend. Can you imagine? A kid has no friend? I felt it. I do have classmates, but since they live not in the same neighborhood, we just meet at school. I really miss them.
Then when I was 13, my parents sent me to high school. I start to learn about the outside world. I was in that school till I was 15 years old. And then I get an offer to get into boarding-school. I make friends there. Just friend. There is also place where I learn what love is. I fall in love with somebody there. But I never tell her about my feeling. We still keep in touch till today. Day after day, feel like she’s going far from me. Really?
Then, I got into university which where I am now. See, my life’s story is so boring right? What more can I do..?
Sometimes I wish I get all the answer for the entire question that keep running in my head. But I must accept the fact that we are people. We don’t have all the answer.
I just can’t understand some kind of people. I think I should stop thinking about that thing.
Recently, I am a little miserable actually. I stop go out in the weekend like I used to. Now I just stay at this room and thinking of something. I just miss the time when I went out; go for a movie, buy some comic, and sort of.
I just hurt when some of my friend stop says something. I felt like I am useless. Not good enough to be their friend. I knew that I am not that perfect. It is fine if they tell me that they don’t want me as their friend. But keep silent is more than hurt. It’s killing. I am not that stupid. I know when someone is avoiding me. When they don’t pick up my calls, don’t reply my messages and sort. What more can I say? Hah?
I just need them to say something, to tell me the true. Don’t act like everything is fine. I am not child anymore. People say that sometimes the perfect way to lie is just say nothing. And they did it. But I never hate them. I love them all.
I am not a good person. I make mistakes too.
Here, I want to say that I am sorry for everything that I have done to all of you. I never mean to hurt anyone. I am really sorry. Please forgive me.
I would like to thank you to all of the people in my life. Thanks for everything.
I try to stay strong. And keep holding on. I believe in Allah.
There’s still thing’s I’ll never say. This story not that complete actually. It’s just a part of my life. I’ll write again if have a chance. Till then, I hope everyone is happy with their life. I say good bye for now.
I wish to myself….happy birthday, matt…. |
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| respect... |
[Apr. 15th, 2008-10:21 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | frustrated | ] |
when the last thing came first....
start losing words
turning back just to see
if there anyone
i am waiting here
without sound
i lost myself
i,ve nothing to declare
and now i give up... |
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| the way it should be… |
[Apr. 15th, 2008-01:33 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
quite lost...
When something is on my mind, I can’t get it. Like I know everything, but the fact is I am nothing. Day after day, it seems so far away, all the day that I had.
I don’t know. Seriously, I don’t know.
I tried to start over again, by hoping that I can make it different. Just to forget the past. I can say that I am sad, try to be strong. But I am just a man who never knows the future. By now, I stop making plans, as I know that I am not the one who decided it.
I think I need rest. But it’s impossible, as I need to do my study, I don’t want to let down my family, especially my parents. I love them.
When I talk about being alone, I consider that I can hold it. I have friends. But…I don’t know what is wrong about me. I stop trust in people. Oh my God, what happen to me?
I just can’t make people understand what is wrong about me. And that makes they say I am crazy. I am sorry.
I can’t let all this keep bothering me. I need to do something. I wish I could have a bright day. Sooner, I wish I can keep the good attitude and be strong. Be a good man and if I can, be a better man. I want to tell anyone that I am fine. Instead of losing my mine, I prefer to keep this way. It’s pretty bad, but I believe that everything is going to be alright. Just let time decide it.
Just some people never realize how they hurt someone. I don’t want to blame anyone. I will keep a distance between me and them. As people say that sometimes the only way to protect the people that we love is by stay away from them.
I can’t sleep. A keep my eyes open a whole night. I can take pills, but I don’t want to be control by them.
I wish I could stop thinking about how stupid I am. There’s too much to say. And there’s thing I’ll never say.
I am sick. |
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| keep holding on... |
[Apr. 5th, 2008-10:50 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
first....
it seems that i have nothing to say right now...i don't know.
just have too much to think.
my final exam is just around the corner. i am not prepare anything yet. i always like that.
i stop here for now.... |
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| my mind was separated.. |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008-02:51 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
still on me...
recently, i quite often to get sick. not really sick actually, but enough to make me skip so many classes.
and the final exam just around the corner, and i am not prepare anything yet. i just so tired. i try not to think about it anymore. try to tell myself that everything is gonna be alright.
but then, when i wake up in the morning, i got headache. almost every morning. i am sick. now, i just want to say lots of thanks to all the good people that always give me strength .
i am still trying...
even my mind was separated... |
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| something goes wrong... |
[Mar. 26th, 2008-11:55 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | blank | ] |
i skipped classes again today...
i just got tired. actually, i don't know what is wrong with me. sometimes i have a headache, and sometimes i just tired...
but i realize that there's something wrong with me. just now, i forget what the date today. maybe this is because i think to much..or what?..i am not sure...and i also not complete some part of my report.
i guess that's not a big deal. maybe i am too tired...
for sure is, i am sick.... |
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| rasa yang tertinggal.... |
[Mar. 21st, 2008-11:53 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
Bila asmaraku telah tiba
Merenggut nafas di jiwa
Itu dia…..yang datang hadirkan cinta
Menyebar ke dalam rasa
Dapatkah ku mengatakannya
Perasaan yang kupunya
Untuk dia…meskinya ku ungkapkan saja
untuk dapat jawapan darinya
Dapatkah aku memeluknya
Menjadikan bintang di surga
Memberikan warna yang bisa menjadikan indah
Aku tak mampu mengatakan
Aku tak mampu tuk mengungkapkan
Hingga sampai saat ini perasaan telah tertinggal
Dapatkah dia merasakan
Satu nafas yang tersimpan
Itu bukan cinta sekedar cinta biasa
Yang sesaat dan terus sirna
(st-12 lirik) |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2008-02:06 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | discontent | ] |
actually, today is someone birthday....
i really want to wish her. but i lost her phone number. and i don't have any idea how to get in touch again.
so, i take this chance to wish her happy birthday..
special wish for Atikah....:
Happy Birthday to you
may Allah bless you in everyday
just keep your sweet smile...i really like it
sorry because i have nothing to give to you...
wish that we can meet someday...
thanks lots for being my friend since high school.
till then, good luck and take a good care of yourself...
actually, it's quite awkward to wish..just because she's not here.. |
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| just another day for me... |
[Mar. 11th, 2008-09:49 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | discontent | ] |
i just a little tired today. and it's raining too.
nothing interesting happen today. just i called my mum, and got some news. a good news actually, my sister going to have a baby soon.
recently, i just have lots of things in my mind. i don't know why and what it is. just sometimes i feel so sad. i know i am not perfect at all. not even good.
i quite often to get sick too. i skip classes again and again. it seems pretty bad.
i try to learn how to be good, as a student, friend, son, and for whatever i am.
i just hope that everything going to be fine soon. i'll do my best just to make it alright.
wish that i can have a very good day tomorrow, with my lovely family, friends and with everyone.
just believe me, i am not that good at all... |
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| when it's better this way... |
[Mar. 9th, 2008-01:48 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
wake up in the morning, with a bad headache. what more can i say..i thought it would be easy if i just moving on without turning back, but i made mistake when i believe that.
day after day, it becomes worse, i knew that it's just normal to get sick sometimes in life. but i am not sure if i can hold it anymore. sound like i am giving everything up. i wish i could give up. but as a muslim, that is forbidden. so, i won't give up. just sometimes maybe i stop, i mean take a break, and have an easy breath.
i just don't know why i always have some kind of feeling like i am fool. feeling sad. like i am alone in this world. in fact, like i am a stranger, freaky, weird, eccentric and what more...
actually there's a girl. and i like her. erm..never mind, forget about it. i am just too tired to think.
one more day... |
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| all or nothing... |
[Mar. 5th, 2008-02:01 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | blank | ] |
it's not the way i choose to life...
and once again, i still don't know how to say it... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2008-11:40 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
there's something remains...
i am not sure if it still the same or not. damn it..!!!!
i don't know how to say.
what is worse, i don't even know what it feel... |
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| turn to forget.. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2008-11:39 pm] |
| [ | Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
i am sick with all this...
recently, i am so tired. i am just like kinda sick. i don't know. when i went to the doc, he gave me the same pills, painkiller and vitamin.
forget about that, this week, i got so many friends. which is i really appreciated.
now i learn to be...er..i don't know..just too tired and i want to get a sleep, and wake up early in the morning ( if i still alive ) and start a new day. i don't want be late to the classes tomorrow.
then, i still keep something as a secret... |
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| what makes me real..? |
[Feb. 26th, 2008-01:18 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | blank | ] |
currently....
it's look like i live without colors. nothing but empty. actually it's kind of weird. i just can't say what i felt.
but that's not the problem... |
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| it remains there... |
[Feb. 21st, 2008-01:21 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
currently, there's something i want to say..but i don't.
i keep it a secret a little longer, perhaps...and i just miss the pass. |
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| time can't stay longer... |
[Feb. 20th, 2008-01:36 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | tired | ] |
Never think that it will be end like this way..
and i never expect it's time to say goodbye. just because she's better without me. how much i regret it, but nothing i can do. she deserved more than me. and i am not good enough to her. not even a little. i am completely not for her. we're totally different.
it hurt. now i am gonna stop all this feeling even the truth is, i can't. step forward and left everything behind. it's seems so easy. but i can't. at times, i felt like giving up. but i won't.
maybe i've expected too much. now i'm going to sleep and wake up tomorrow, if i'm still here, hope that everything's only in my dream. i'm gonna be alright soon.
this is not a big deal. i am just too stupid. that's the problem. and now, expect me no more.
and i saw that the same reason that attracted me to her was also the reason i lost her. |
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| time can't stay... |
[Feb. 18th, 2008-02:11 am] |
| [ | Mood |
| | restless | ] |
Lilin kecil
Sinarmu pancarkan harapan
Jangan kau hilang
Jangan kau pergi
Temani aku yang sedih dan sepi
Air mata jatuh basahi pelangi
Pupus warnamu di masa yang indah
Menepilah cinta
Saat tak ingin ku dekati
Tak kan teringkari
Masa ini kan ku lalui
Tak akan pernah sesali ini
Menghentikan langkah-langkahku
Menghentikan langkah-langkahku lagi
Berjuta rintangan ku hadapi
Merah putih kutatap
Masa remaja
Masa yang indah
Penuh cerita
Penuh janji
Tak kan teringkari
Masa ini kan kulalui
Takkan pernah sesali ini
Menghentikan langkah-langkahku
Menghentikan langkah-langkahku lagi |
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